So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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