when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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