Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
