hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
