i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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