I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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