I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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