All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
