he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Randomize
