We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
