I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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