I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
