i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
