Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
