Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
You are a genius and a whore.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize