sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
