who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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