I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
