she was so not down for the gang bang
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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