I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
