Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
