I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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