so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I lost the right to judge tonight
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
