Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I need to sanitize my soul.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
