i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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