my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
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I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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