Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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