You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
