The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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