Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
