would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
