he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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