i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
