The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
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Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
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the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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