Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
