True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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