Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
