I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize