Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I cut my penus on the lid.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
