He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
you had me at cake vodka
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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