I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
It was like getting head from an anaconda
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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