If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
