I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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