Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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