Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
