i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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