Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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