until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
