I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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