We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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