please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
