So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
