Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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