$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
