Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
