she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
