im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Let's paint friendship bongs
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
