I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize