Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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