you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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