You really coming over, don't trick.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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