There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
